There have been a number of adjectives used to describe me: smart, funny, good-looking, amazing, stupendous, egotistical?While I strive to be a well-rounded and multi-faceted person, one descriptor that distinctly comes to mind has always eluded me: consumer-savvy. Today, I aim not only to fulfill the role of the astute shopper, but to provide a such a valuable service to society.
Since the dawn of woman, man has had someone to be attracted to. Love is a complicated process that begins with attraction. Many unappealing men, whether physically unattractive, spiritually unattractive or personally unattractive, are drawn to very attractive women. The challenge of these unattractive men is figuring out how to induce the attractive women into reciprocating these feelings. A number of the good sellers on the eBay auction site claim to have found the answer to their problems, forcing me to write this consumer-savvy consumer investigation report:
PHEROMONES: DO THEY WORK???
My special guest to help me with this report is my down-and-out with the ladies friend, Graduation Bear.

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Pheromones ? a chemical emitted by animals that acts as an attractant of the opposite sex. Their premise as well their appeal is simple: one drop and the gettin? on gets on. Many of the auctioneers on eBay.com have allegedly isolated this chemical, packaged it, and released their product into to world upon the unwitting consumer. I was a bit skeptical of the product from the start (being the consumer-savvy person that I am) — finding the notion a person can be coerced into attraction purely on a chemical level a bit presumptuous. As stated on the packaging, the product ?attracts women FAST!? What man could possibly resist? I almost found myself powerless against the urge to max out every single credit card within 20 miles of me. But with a claim such as this, there comes a price.

Upon closer inspection, we see that the price is $99.99!!!
Graduation Bear: Those prices are ludicrous!! My girl problems are worse that I thought!
Me: Yeah, sucks. I guess we?re done with this article, huh?
Little did we know, we were far from done.

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Phone call: June 10, 2001 ?
Eric and Roach: Hey Pete, we?re at the dollar store. Want anything?
Me: No thanks guys, I?m just trying to console Graduation Bear. We can?t afford the pheromones that we saw on eBay. They?re $99.99 for a tiny bottle!!! I can?t finish my article and G-bear can?t find a date. Life kind of sucks right now?
Eric and Roach: Well, Pete, they just happen to sell pheromones right here at the dollar store. And, they?re just?. ONE DOLLAR!!!
Me: Yes! I?m back!
G-bear: Yes! I?m back!

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Me: Umm… G-bear, are you sure you’re supposed to be drinking that? It’s a cologne.
G-bear: Yes. I love it. I can feel the sexual magnetism radiating from my body.
Me: Whatever, let’s go test this product shall we?

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Some random bar:
G-Bear: Hey
Random Girl: Hey yourself, sexy. You smell like a rainforest. Want to go back to my place?
G-bear: Yeah

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Next day:
Me: Hey G-bear, how’d it go last night?

Me: Wow.

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Conclusion:
The culmination of our rigorous product testing ended in a good night for Graduation Bear. But does this mean I give these pheromone products the “Consumer-savvy Pete Seal of Appoval”? No. The results of Graduation Bear’s endeavor last night were successful, but I attribe them only to his rugged good looks, not the pheromones. Therefore, I am announcing that pheromones DO NOT work, once more proving to the world how well I spend my time. However, if you want to test these pheromones for yourself, send me 10 bucks, I’ll give you the half of the bottle that Graduation Bear didn’t drink.
On a lighter note: It’s Lindsey’s birthday. Happy Birthday, Lindsey!