I’m Going to Kill You! *
by Roach on Jun.13, 2002, under Articles, Roach
“Me?” you say, “why would you want to kill me?” Well I’ll tell you, jerk: I am going to kill you because I don’t like you, and I don’t like you because, well, I have my reasons. It all started the other day when I was stuck in traffic and I just decided that I hated you. “But I wasn’t driving the other day” you protest, “your animosity towards me is misdirected.” If you weren’t driving, then you weren’t stuck in traffic experiencing the same misery that I was. Everyone should be miserable when I am miserable. I hate you for being content.
If you can’t understand what a huge jerk you are, then that’s just another reason why I’m numbering your days. You don’t deserve to perpetuate your existence under the pretense that you aren’t the most intolerable, the most visually repulsive, and the most unpleasantly fragrant person in the world. I think you might smell worse than an aging camel soaking in a stagnant pool of urine and days-old fish.
I bet you don’t have a job. You do? Well I bet you don’t have my job. That’s what I thought you big stupid jerk. When will you stop being such an asshole? After I kill you, I bet.
In conclusion, I have to exterminate you because you aren’t me and I’ve let that go on for about long enough, now haven’t I? I think I have laid out all good reasons why I don’t like you, so expect a call in the next few days from me (it will probably be really hard to get a hold of you, ass) and we’ll take things from there.
*The preceding paragraphs are not to be taken seriously. I like you guys. Really, I do, but if I don’t, watch out.
