Guardian Angels Watch You Shower
by El Cid on Jul.08, 2001, under Articles, El Cid
Whenever someone escapes a life-threatening ordeal there’s always the inevitable token shit about miracles and guardian angels watching over them. All I can say is that if I ever have to have a crowd standing over me talking to me about an angel watching me after I nearly die, I will do my utmost to seize them by the tracheas and slam their heads into some stucco or something. The LAST thing I need after I freshly emerge from the jaws of death is some well-meaning albeit freaky asshole telling me about some angel watching me.
Stop saying they only watch you when you’re in trouble. If there is such a thing as a guardian angel, they’re everywhere all the time in your house and your bedroom and your bathroom. I almost slipped on some soap in the shower the other day. I bet that fucking quasi-bird was licking its voyueristic lips waiting to swoop down and get a piece of El Cid and then later report back to his manager that he saved the day. Creepy shit ladies and gentlemen. I heard one time about a squirrel coming up from the sewer, into a toilet, and biting someone on the ass; I don’t have a point to make here–I just think it’s funny.
The aforewritten paragraphs might make some of you bring up the age-old question of “is there a higher power”? Let me assure you that the affirmation or the denial of the existence of a god is not the issue here. If you’re thinking about religion, let me direct your attention back to the crucial issue at hand: there may be things watching you shower and pee! If you’ve ever seen Dogma, you know that guardian angels are ambiguous things with British accents (if memory serves). All I can say is at least they aren’t French, French-Canadian, or any other France-like being. Everyone e-mail Pete. He’s in Thailand for three weeks and needs some America in his life.
