A Bunch of Stuff I’d Never Buy From Skymall Magazine
by Pete on Jun.22, 2001, under Articles, Merchandise, Pete
Whenever I fly Delta, my favorite piece of reading material is the Sky Mall Magazine. From things I would never need, to things I would never want, this magazine defines what a true waste of money really is. While I will admit that a six foot King Tut sarcophagus would look good in my living room, I’m more than able to restrain myself from shelling out $1,199.00 for it. Here a look at some of the other bits of goodness I found scattered thoughout the magazine…
The idea behind the Evac-U8 smoke hood is certainly a reasonable one. It’s a hood that goes over your head and protects your lungs for 20 minutes from the deadly toxins emmited by a fire. But look at the damn thing. It may keep you alive long enough to escape your building, but you’re liable to get your head chopped of by an ax-weilding fireman because you look like a fucking alien.
Since the invention of portable grooming devices, electric nose-hair trimers have been all the rage. The Turbo Groomer from Sharper Image sports the slogan:
“Trimming nose and ear hair has never been easier.”
Well, I don’t care how easy it is or how safe is says it is, I’m not going to shove anything spinning at 4,000 rpm up my nose or into my ear.
I know to a lot of people, keeping your chairs stain-free is a high priority. But is it really worth ruining life-long friendships?
Host: Hey, I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of putting this fancy plastic cover over your son’s chair. So he doesn’t, you know… pee all over my nice dining room chair.
Guest: My son would not pee all over your chair! What the hell is wrong with you, you ass?
Stains can be removed easily; painful emotional scars can’t.
“Let’s go get hammered in the pool! I bought some height adjustable bar stools so we can drink in the water.” I know that the chances of someone being dumb enough to get drunk while sitting on bar a stool in their pool are slim, but I guarantee it does happen. And well all know what the result is when you put drunk people in water: DISASTER.
I try very hard to ensure that my articles all contain accurate information, and I did a little research on these Rawlings Baseball Mitt leather products. I was ready to write the most bitter and sarcastic review ever seen, but then i recieved this information: a cell phone case made out of a baseball glove does infact equal sex appeal - Massive sex appeal. These products also pave the way for great pick-up lines: “Hey baby, look at my wallet. It’s made out of the same material as a baseball glove.” BOO-YA! I’ve completely changed my mind about these Rawlings Baseball Mitt leather products, and I’ve ordered everything, from the backpack to the two-gusset computer brief. Now I’m ready to hit a homer!
Finally you can trick your friends into thinking your dishwasher is a refrigerator full of fine wines, cheeses, and fruits. Assuming your friends are morons…
“Original art can change the face of your dull dishwasher in seconds.”
Hmm…. My car’s looking kind of dull, maybe I should buy one of these and stick it on my hood.
“Whimsical ‘Gutter Creatures’ Move Water Away From Your Foundation! Each of these ‘lovable’ little guys fits over the end of any standard downspout elbow to give you a chuckle on dreary rainy days!”
First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s the force of gravity sending the water though the spout. Secondly, that gargoyle is not lovable. It’s scary! If I were a gopher, or some small creature like that, and I ran into one of these gargoyles, I’d probably freak out and die! No one wants that, right?
Who cares what time it is??? I certainly don’t. That’s why this monstrosity of a clock is hanging up on my wall! Seriously, the clock is ugly and it isn’t funny. If I ever see this hanging up on someone’s wall, I’m going to smash it to pieces, then I’m going to throw the pieces out the window. Then we?ll see who cares.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I’m bored, there’s nothing I wish I had more than the worlds largest crossword puzzle hanging on my wall.
“Crossword can be tacked or taped to the wall”
Screw the instructions! I’m gluing this thing to my wall!
Those are only a few of the gems you’ll find in every issue of Sky Mall Magazine. They have a website too! Put your wallet away!
